Whoa, how is it already 2017? It was just 2016 like, yesterday, and still 2015 about a week ago, so... Don't get me wrong, I am beyond glad to see both of those years in the rearview mirror, but time seems to be flying, and I desperately need life to slow down at the moment.

I'll be completely honest, I don't currently knowing what the hell is happening in my life right now. It feels like one big clusterfuck of a hot mess. I feel like I'm standing still while the world spins at warped speed around me and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Every time I try to get back on the same page as everyone else, I end up falling flat on my ass. It's incredibly annoying and frustrating and a million other things I can't quite put my finger on.

Right around this time every year is when I begin to feel either one of two things: I either feel like things might be looking up, or I feel like my life has gone to hell in a hand basket. It's mostly because I have always thought of new years as a "fresh start" and it always seems to feel like life has new possibilities, that I can wash my hands of all the crap I dealt with the year before and start anew. But of course, of course, that's not how life works. How naive would I have to be to believe that anything would change between December 31st and January 1st? So I know things won't automatically be better, that my life in January is still the same life I had in December. I know this, but it never seems to matter. Subconsciously, I seem to have this unrealistic expectation for new years and then when we're solidly into it, I realize that shit isn't any better, sometimes even worse, and then I feel like a failure. So when I said that I either feel one of two things, I really meant that I always feel the latter, the one about life going to hell. Sooo yep. That's cool.

So that's where I'm at. I feel stuck and anxious about where my life is going. I feel like I should be so much farther in life than I am, and it makes me feel inferior to just about everyone. I almost feel like I have no right to exist in some of my friends' lives solely based on the jobs they have compared to the one I have. I'm aware that's a bit fucked up, but I swore to myself I would be truthful on this blog, and that's the honest truth. 

And I am so fucking tired about talking about depression on this blog, but it always seems to be relevant in my life whenever I write on here, so here's its obligatory mention. I almost can't believe that I knew a time - and a time recently, for that matter - where depression was not A Thing. Because it's definitely A Thing now. It's back with a vengeance and truthfully, it's making me nervous. It is manifesting in ways it hasn't for over a year and I know I have to be careful where I tread if I don't want to end up walking in deep, almost unmanageable waters. But I am pulling my waders out of the closet, just in case. 

However, I don't want this entire blog to be completely negative, so I will say there has been one enormously bright spot this year so far, and that was when I went to New York City in January! Finally! Something I've been wanting to do for over a decade. And yes, it was every bit as amazing as I had imagined it would be, and more. It was six days of genuine, pure happiness. I have always felt like a piece of me was missing and that I'd find it in that city, and I did. It felt more like home than my hometown ever has, and I can't wait to go back next month. It's truly the only thing keeping me from self-destruct mode. 

I don't know where my life will take me. It feels like one massive unknown at the moment, which naturally makes me uncomfortable to the nth degree, but... *shrugs* I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore. Stay tuned.