This has been an exhausting week in every possible way. Between getting next to no sleep and work being a hair short of insane just about every day and the cloud of depression making a guest appearance, I have never been so excited for a Friday night. I am plopping my ass on the couch, pulling up Law & Order: SVU on Netflix and snuggling in for a long night of relaxation.

Yeah, unfortunately, you read that correctly. While the last several months have been amazingly wonderful and depression free for the first time in 12 years, about a month and a half ago I started noticing things that should have served as indicators to me that I needed to start treading a bit more carefully. I noticed that I was starting to get less and less sleep, despite being more tired than usual. I was becoming irritated by things that should have really been a non-issue, I noticed that my brain felt a bit more sluggish and foggy, and that I wanted to spend more and more time alone than with friends and family. But I chalked those up to other things, such as work becoming more hectic because of the holidays and the fact that winter was approaching. I am kicking myself for not seeing them for what they truly were, or maybe more accurately, for not having the guts to admit to myself that I did know what they were, and not dealing with them like I should have before they had a chance to inflict harm.

But the thing about depression is, it’s so sneaky. It slips in through a back door and makes itself at home before you even realize it’s there. And then, when you’re finally aware of it, it distracts you so you don’t see what’s happening right in front of your face until too late! You have just slammed head first into the brick wall that is your depression. Congratulations, welcome back to hell. 

That’s honestly how I’d describe it, hellish. All of a sudden my smile feels fake again, my laugh sounds forced - and that’s when I’m able to muster them at all. It takes approximately 2.7 seconds to convince myself that I am actually the most despicable human being on the planet, and that I shouldn’t make anyone deal with me any more than absolutely necessary. Even now, I wonder how many friendships I ruined this past week alone because I pushed them all away without even a hint of an explanation. 

It’s hard to find the balance between living freely as though my depression is truly a thing of the past, and staying vigilant to my personal warning signs that tell me when I may be entering rocky territory. I don’t want to be constantly worrying about the what ifs and live a life built on egg shells, but I am also realizing that I can’t be naive enough to think I’ll never deal with depression again. That latter train of thought is too dangerous. And deep down, I do know better. I just hoped...maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with it again quite so soon. But such is life, right?

I am so grateful for those of you who are patient and understanding and don’t hold it against me when I basically fail as a person. Y’all are truly the best, and I don’t deserve you but I love and appreciate you very much. I’ll figure this out eventually, somehow, because I don’t want this to win. I finally had a real taste of how beautiful life can be, and I don’t think I’m ready to give up on it quite yet. I just may need a few reminders of that along the way.