October is Depression Awareness Month, and so I thought I’d write up a post on the topic in honor of it. It’s something that has profoundly affected my life, and though I don’t generally volunteer that information, I’m usually not ashamed to admit that it’s something I deal with on a daily basis. These past few months in particular have kind of knocked me to my knees, and I am not proud to say that I haven't always fought to stand back up again. But I think this is something important that needs to be talked about, so...here goes.

Depression. That’s such a heavy word for me. It represents so much, and triggers a plethora of memories and experiences - ones I typically do my best to just tuck away in the back of my brain while I try to live my life as normally as possible. Normal is relative when you have depression, though. Sometimes normal means functioning appropriately in every facet of your life. And sometimes normal means wake up, go to work or maybe not, come home and sleep, no energy or will to do anything beyond the absolute bare minimum. So it all depends on the season of life you’re in. I’d say my current state is somewhere in the middle of those two, perhaps precariously leaning more toward the latter. 

So, in an effort to try to ask for help when I know I need it, I’ve recently opened up to a couple of friends about my depression. They’ve been so supportive and kind and genuinely want to understand what I’m going through, but neither of them have experienced depression like this, so no matter how hard they try, they’ll never fully understand. And that’s great! Because I wouldn't want anyone to fully understand this. Because to fully understand means that at some point, this was your personal hell, too. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I want to help them, and anyone else who is curious, understand, and this is the best way I know how to do that.

Depression is laying on your bedroom floor for hours, crying until your carpet is so soaked with tears that your face is still wet long after your eyes have dried up.

Depression is driving around your city from 8pm to 3am without stopping because you're afraid of what you might do to yourself if you go home.

Depression is wearing the same shirt for 3 days straight because you don't have the energy to put on a clean one.

Depression is hair that hasn't been brushed in over a week because just throwing it up in a bun or under a hat is "good enough."

Depression is scrolling through your phone contacts over and over again, trying to find someone you think you could maybe "bother," but finding no one because you think as long as you aren't feeling suicidal, then how you're feeling isn't worth mentioning to anyone.

Depression is calling in to work because it's 7:45 and you have to be at work at 8, but you know it'll take you until at least 10 to muster up enough energy just to get out of bed.

Depression is buying new socks because the thought of doing laundry is too overwhelming.

Depression is taking all day to decide what to eat, but by the time you finally figure it out, it's 9:30pm and so you decide to just skip eating all together for the day.

Depression is washing your hair in the kitchen sink because taking a shower requires more energy than you'll probably have all day.

Depression is taking 10 minutes to read one page of a book because you can't concentrate and end up having to read sentences and paragraphs multiple times in order to remember what you just read.

Depression is crossing a street without bothering to watch for cars because you don't think you'd really mind if one hit you anyway.

Depression is drowning, but being able to see everyone else around you breathing.

Depression is being pinned to the ground by an invisible 10,000 pound elephant.

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.

Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer.

Depression is like a bruise that never goes away - a bruise in your mind. You just have to be careful not to touch it where it hurts. But it’s always there.

And now I’ll tell you what depression isn’t. It’s not glamorous, it’s not romantic. It’s not just “feeling blue.” And it’s certainly not a joke, no matter how anyone tries to pass it off. It’s dangerous, it’s a hideous, isolating, lying monster, and it’s deadly. Even when you think it’s gone, it’s still there. Dormant. Just lurking. Waiting for another chance to sink its razor sharp claws into your skin. If you’re not constantly on the defensive, it’s easy for depression to sneak back into your life unnoticed, until it has you in a death grip and then all of a sudden there you are, in another epic and brutal battle for your life. And the cycle continues.

But there are also moments, however fleeting, where you feel genuine joy, and the laughs aren't forced. There are days when the world is filled with vibrant color and warmth instead of cold shades of gray, and where there is sunshine instead of stormy skies. And those are the days you cling to for dear life, take pictures of, write about - so that when you need hard, physical evidence that those days weren't just figments of your imagination, you have them. Weapons in your arsenal used to fight this ugly beast. 

Depression is like a war. You either win, or you die trying.

Whoa, how is it already 2017? It was just 2016 like, yesterday, and still 2015 about a week ago, so... Don't get me wrong, I am beyond glad to see both of those years in the rearview mirror, but time seems to be flying, and I desperately need life to slow down at the moment.

I'll be completely honest, I don't currently knowing what the hell is happening in my life right now. It feels like one big clusterfuck of a hot mess. I feel like I'm standing still while the world spins at warped speed around me and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Every time I try to get back on the same page as everyone else, I end up falling flat on my ass. It's incredibly annoying and frustrating and a million other things I can't quite put my finger on.

Right around this time every year is when I begin to feel either one of two things: I either feel like things might be looking up, or I feel like my life has gone to hell in a hand basket. It's mostly because I have always thought of new years as a "fresh start" and it always seems to feel like life has new possibilities, that I can wash my hands of all the crap I dealt with the year before and start anew. But of course, of course, that's not how life works. How naive would I have to be to believe that anything would change between December 31st and January 1st? So I know things won't automatically be better, that my life in January is still the same life I had in December. I know this, but it never seems to matter. Subconsciously, I seem to have this unrealistic expectation for new years and then when we're solidly into it, I realize that shit isn't any better, sometimes even worse, and then I feel like a failure. So when I said that I either feel one of two things, I really meant that I always feel the latter, the one about life going to hell. Sooo yep. That's cool.

So that's where I'm at. I feel stuck and anxious about where my life is going. I feel like I should be so much farther in life than I am, and it makes me feel inferior to just about everyone. I almost feel like I have no right to exist in some of my friends' lives solely based on the jobs they have compared to the one I have. I'm aware that's a bit fucked up, but I swore to myself I would be truthful on this blog, and that's the honest truth. 

And I am so fucking tired about talking about depression on this blog, but it always seems to be relevant in my life whenever I write on here, so here's its obligatory mention. I almost can't believe that I knew a time - and a time recently, for that matter - where depression was not A Thing. Because it's definitely A Thing now. It's back with a vengeance and truthfully, it's making me nervous. It is manifesting in ways it hasn't for over a year and I know I have to be careful where I tread if I don't want to end up walking in deep, almost unmanageable waters. But I am pulling my waders out of the closet, just in case. 

However, I don't want this entire blog to be completely negative, so I will say there has been one enormously bright spot this year so far, and that was when I went to New York City in January! Finally! Something I've been wanting to do for over a decade. And yes, it was every bit as amazing as I had imagined it would be, and more. It was six days of genuine, pure happiness. I have always felt like a piece of me was missing and that I'd find it in that city, and I did. It felt more like home than my hometown ever has, and I can't wait to go back next month. It's truly the only thing keeping me from self-destruct mode. 

I don't know where my life will take me. It feels like one massive unknown at the moment, which naturally makes me uncomfortable to the nth degree, but... *shrugs* I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore. Stay tuned.

This has been an exhausting week in every possible way. Between getting next to no sleep and work being a hair short of insane just about every day and the cloud of depression making a guest appearance, I have never been so excited for a Friday night. I am plopping my ass on the couch, pulling up Law & Order: SVU on Netflix and snuggling in for a long night of relaxation.

Yeah, unfortunately, you read that correctly. While the last several months have been amazingly wonderful and depression free for the first time in 12 years, about a month and a half ago I started noticing things that should have served as indicators to me that I needed to start treading a bit more carefully. I noticed that I was starting to get less and less sleep, despite being more tired than usual. I was becoming irritated by things that should have really been a non-issue, I noticed that my brain felt a bit more sluggish and foggy, and that I wanted to spend more and more time alone than with friends and family. But I chalked those up to other things, such as work becoming more hectic because of the holidays and the fact that winter was approaching. I am kicking myself for not seeing them for what they truly were, or maybe more accurately, for not having the guts to admit to myself that I did know what they were, and not dealing with them like I should have before they had a chance to inflict harm.

But the thing about depression is, it’s so sneaky. It slips in through a back door and makes itself at home before you even realize it’s there. And then, when you’re finally aware of it, it distracts you so you don’t see what’s happening right in front of your face until too late! You have just slammed head first into the brick wall that is your depression. Congratulations, welcome back to hell. 

That’s honestly how I’d describe it, hellish. All of a sudden my smile feels fake again, my laugh sounds forced - and that’s when I’m able to muster them at all. It takes approximately 2.7 seconds to convince myself that I am actually the most despicable human being on the planet, and that I shouldn’t make anyone deal with me any more than absolutely necessary. Even now, I wonder how many friendships I ruined this past week alone because I pushed them all away without even a hint of an explanation. 

It’s hard to find the balance between living freely as though my depression is truly a thing of the past, and staying vigilant to my personal warning signs that tell me when I may be entering rocky territory. I don’t want to be constantly worrying about the what ifs and live a life built on egg shells, but I am also realizing that I can’t be naive enough to think I’ll never deal with depression again. That latter train of thought is too dangerous. And deep down, I do know better. I just hoped...maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with it again quite so soon. But such is life, right?

I am so grateful for those of you who are patient and understanding and don’t hold it against me when I basically fail as a person. Y’all are truly the best, and I don’t deserve you but I love and appreciate you very much. I’ll figure this out eventually, somehow, because I don’t want this to win. I finally had a real taste of how beautiful life can be, and I don’t think I’m ready to give up on it quite yet. I just may need a few reminders of that along the way.

25 Things I've Learned in 25 Years

Today is my 25th birthday, and for whatever reason it feels like a mildly significant milestone in my life. I can't say it's necessarily been an easy life, or a good life 100% of the time, but it is a life that has taught me a lot. So, in honor of that, here are 25 things I've learned in 25 years.

1. Being true to yourself and with yourself is very freeing.

2. You need to make decisions for you, based on what you want and what will make you happy. You can't rely on others to tell you what will make you happy. Only you can decide.

3. Life will usually get harder before it gets easier. Better to just ride the wave than fight it and get caught in the undercurrent.

4. You don't have to follow anyone else's path or direction in life. It is completely okay to make your own and do things a different way.

5. If you have the ability to help someone, then you should help them. It will do the both of you good.

6. You can literally never have too many socks. Never.

7. If you have to make an important decision, sleep on it.

8. Sunrises are absolutely magical.

9. You really can make it through any day, as long as you just keep breathing.

10. Not everything you get worked up about is worth getting worked up about. Try to see things from more than one perspective. As many as possible, actually.

11. Say you're sorry if you should apologize. Just do it.

12. Listen to your gut. It rarely leads you astray.

13. You absolutely can't please everyone, no matter what you do and how hard you try. It's just not possible.

14. Keeping a damn goldfish alive is way harder than it should be.

15. Bravery comes in many different forms. Sometimes it's in moving half way across the world, sometimes it's in deciding to take one more breath. All of it is important.

16. It is okay to let yourself acknowledge and feel negative feelings.

17. Then you should probably talk to someone about said feelings. That's okay, too.

18. A good ride on my favorite horse can make just about any day better.

19. The world doesn't hold back its punches for anyone, but that does not mean it can't still be a good place. 

20. Books are the cheapest way to travel. I could not live without them.

21. The tiniest act of kindness truly can go such a long way.

22. X equals negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac over 2a. I'll be damned if I'll ever need to know this equation again, but there it is. In my brain forever.

23. A broken heart is not a fatal condition. Sometimes it may feel like it is, but eventually the pain - or maybe, the impact of the pain - will lessen. These things take time.

24. Keeping a pet frog in a cereal box in your room for a week is just a bad idea. RIP Sophie.

25. In the end, love wins.

I've been kind of quiet on here lately. Within the last few months, I've started several posts, but never quite managed to finish them. Or I'd finish them, but then be so unhappy with how they turned out - and couldn't figure out how to fix them - that I just gave up. But I suppose it doesn't really matter, because I haven't really been living up to the name of this blog lately...

Life is still good, most days. Or some days... It's hard to admit that after having several months in a row without the thick cloud of depression following me relentlessly - something that hasn't happened since I was 12 - that it has started popping back up every once in a while, especially within the last few weeks or so.

Some days I wake up, and there are so many things I have planned to do - go to the gym, go to work, take a walk by the lake, meet up with a friend...and then I just can't do it. I genuinely want to, but I don't physically have the energy for any of it. On the couple truly horrible days I've had, even just laying in bed seemed like it required too much energy. That doesn't even make sense, but that's how it felt. Like simply being awake was too difficult a task for me. I'm thankful that those days, which used to be my daily reality, are so very few and far between now.

But I am trying not to let it get the best of me. The old Becca would have surrendered to depression at the smallest inkling of its presence, but I'm not doing that this time. On the days that the cloud is blocking the sun, I still get up. I may cancel some plans (I am so sorry), or take longer to get on with my day, but I don't let it paralyze me anymore. Even if I just only get out of bed - and I have, every single day - then I am still doing better than I ever was.

So to those of you who tell me I need to get to the gym, or we still need to hang out, or I need to do this or that, I know. Believe me, I know. And I will. I'm getting there. But just know that if I don't do those things, it's because I'm having to refocus the energy I would have spent on that particular activity and direct it toward the basics - waking up, actually getting out of bed, sometimes even just breathing.

I am hopeful that this will pass. It doesn't feel permanent anymore like it did for all those years. Maybe I will even head to the lake for a walk tonight, even if it's a short one. Progress is progress, no matter how small. So...guess I better go find my shoes.

I briefly touched on the CrossFit Open in an earlier blog, contemplating whether or not I should register for it. I eventually did, even though I didn't necessarily think it wise. But everyone swore up and down that it was going to be so. much. fun. so I believed them and signed up.

16.1 sucked - I mean, they all pretty much sucked - but it actually was fun to do. Same goes for 16.2 and 16.3 - speaking of which, I couldn't get one freakin' chest-to-bar pull up. Not one. Goals for next year.

Then came 16.4, when it became less fun and more "what the hell." It started off with 55 deadlifts. There was more after that, but I never made it past the deadlifts so no point in laying out the rest of it. Done Rx'd, meaning not altered, the weight was supposed to be 155 pounds. My one rep max at that time was 215, so I figured I'd try Rx. But that was a mistake. I did all of them, but it took me the entire 13 minute time cap to do them, and by the time I was finished, my back was in so much pain. I let my form slip and I paid for it. And that is where I began to stumble.

After that WOD, I began questioning if this was something I was truly capable of doing. Even though I'd finished the deadlifts, I felt so utterly far behind everyone else that despite all of the encouragement from everyone in the gym that night, I still felt more discouraged than ever. For the first time since I'd joined the gym, I started to really question if this was where I was supposed to be.

Despite feeling so horrible after 16.4, there was only one more open workout left, so I decided to do it so I could say I finished what I'd started. But as bad as I thought 16.4 was, 16.5 was about to take everything I had and then some.

16.5 was this: 21-18-15-12-9-6-3 reps for time (aka, no saving grace time cap) of thrusters and burpees. So that's 21 thrusters, 21 burpees, 18 thrusters, 18 burpees, etc. all the way down to three burpees. Oh, and did I mention that you had to jump over your barbell between each burpee? That made me so happy. Not. I hate burpees, they are my absolute least favorite thing in all of crossfit. I would rather run than do burpees, and I don't run. So there's that.

Top athletes were getting this workout done in 8 minutes. I can't...even comprehend that. I just, nope. When I was finally ready to do this WOD, I ended up having to judge someone before I went. The guy I judged, I consider him one of the fittest in our gym. Big muscles, intimidating if you don't know him, I thought he'd be cranking this WOD out with relatively low difficulty. But I apparently don't know anything, because even he had a rough time getting it done. Even so, he still completed it in under 20 minutes.

I knew it was going to suck, I knew it...but there was no way I could have anticipated just how much suck this workout would entail.  By the time I FINALLY finished, I laid on the ground for at least a solid 5 minutes before I even thought about sitting up. When I finally stood, you could tell exactly what position I'd been laying in, because anywhere my body touched, there was sweat.

My time was easily the worst in my gym, no contest. And I was expecting that. But it was worse than I thought. Do you want to know how many people, in the entire world, finished at a slower time than me?

22.

I was only faster that 22 other people - 12 women, nine men, and one teenager. I might as well have been last. People in their sixties and seventies were blowing me out of the water. I had never felt so pathetic in my life.

That was when I thought I knew for sure that I didn't belong in my gym. I shouldn't have been allowed to say I was someone who did crossfit - what an embarrassment I was to the sport, to all of the real crossfit athletes. I was just a joke, just someone attempting - and miserably failing - to keep up with all of these people who were greater and more fit than I'd ever hope to be.

So I stopped going. I did that last open workout on March 28th, and the last time I went to the gym was March 31st. I just couldn't bring myself to show my face there anymore, because I was so humiliated. To me, it felt like that one workout had defined me more than all of the months leading up to it combined, and I just no longer thought I deserved to be there.

Then a few days ago, it hit me that I hadn't felt like I deserved to be there when I first started back in September. But I went anyway. And kind of all of a sudden, I felt very silly for letting these stupid feelings stop me from doing something I loved. Sure, now I was nervous to go back, afraid that I've lost everything I worked so hard to gain, but nerves didn't stop me (too much) before, so why should they stop me now?

So yesterday I went back during open gym to work on my back squat, since the cycle I'd spent the last 6 weeks missing focused on them. I was nervous to get under that bar again, afraid that I'd easily lost at least 15-20 pounds off my one rep max that I'd worked so hard to earn. I started light and eventually worked myself back up to my previous PR, but then I added an extra 5 pounds just for the hell of it, and surprised myself by actually getting the bar up. My thighs are made of jello now, but it felt so good to finally be back. I had forgotten how much I loved the feeling of finishing a workout, and I will do everything I can to not let myself forget ever again.

My last day of nursing school was last month. It was so bittersweet to say goodbye to the profession I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing, but...ultimately, it was the right decision.

I have always enjoyed helping people, and when I was in high school, I decided that whatever I ended up having as a career, I knew I wanted it to be a 'helping' career. At first, I thought I might become a teacher. Teaching runs in my family, and I thought a high school english teacher may be a good fit for me. But for several reasons that I won't get in to, it just wasn't. So then I took a little bit of time off from college to figure out what else might make me happy. And I stumbled upon nursing.

I don't think I ever really sat down and said, "Yes. I'm going to become a nurse." At least, not in the beginning. It was more like, "Well...nurses help people. I'm not really sure I'm smart enough to be one, but we'll see how these pre-requisites go..." I got through all of them with above average grades, and actually began to think I might be capable of becoming a nurse.

There was one slight problem, though. I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to be a nurse. I just kept telling myself that nurses help people, I'd always have a job, and they had nice salaries with good benefit packages. And before you start judging me, I'm aware that those aren't good reasons for why you should go into the nursing profession, but I'm just being honest. And I also told myself a thousand times over that even if I wasn't sure I loved it now, I would love it once I got there.

Once first semester started, I got a bit of a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now I was doing it, I was a nurse for real patients, and...I wasn't loving it. Or even liking it. Although the theory classes were okay and I was pulling good grades in them, I dreaded every clinical day. But because I wasn't ready to give up on it just yet, I told myself, "Well, this is just a nursing home, once you do clinicals in a hospital, you'll love it." And that is how I got through first semester.

Once second semester started, I began my labor and delivery clinical. I for sure thought that this would be something I enjoyed doing. How could you NOT enjoy watching a human life enter the world, and getting to be the person that helps this new tiny human and his or her parents through their first few days of life?

And the thing is, there were parts of it I really did love. I DID love watching babies be born. If anyone had looked at me too closely in the operating room during the C-section I saw, they'd have seen me crying behind my mask because it was literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I loved cuddling and comforting the newborns, and helping first time moms learn that no, you won't break your precious new baby. But there were other things, things I won't specify here, that really turned me off to nursing, that made me really dislike the clinical despite all of those great moments. So I withdrew from my clinicals that semester and decided to go part time, and try them again in the spring, hoping things would be different then.

By the time January rolled around, I genuinely thought things were going to be so much better this time around, and that I would get through both of my clinicals with no problems, but...I'm sure you guessed by now that that wasn't the case. Hate is a very strong word, but I borderline hated my clinicals the second time around. And that's when I had to start facing the fact that...maybe I wasn't meant to be a nurse.

It took me a long time to come to that conclusion. Or more accurately, to be able to acknowledge it and accept it. In my mind, not becoming a nurse was equal to becoming a failure. For the past three and a half years, my family and friends thought I was going to walk away from all of this schooling as an RN. I had spent so much time and effort and money on this. I was only one year away from graduation. In theory, I could have graduated in December if I'd played my cards right. In May, I could have sat for my LPN boards. So I'm sure by now you're saying, "But you're so close! How could you give up now??" Believe me, I know better than anybody else how damn close I was. And I will do my best to explain just how I can walk away from it, despite all of those things.

I had put so much of my worth into becoming a nurse. I'd been telling myself for years now that I would finally be worth something once I got that nursing degree. Once I could put RN after my name. And I told myself that was the only way I'd be worth something. I also wanted my mom to be proud of me. I'd put her through hell as a teenager, and I wanted to give something back to her. I wanted her to be able to say, "My daughter is a nurse," and finally give her something to be proud of. Like despite everything that happened in the past, I got through it and redeemed myself.

All of those things put so much pressure on me to finish this degree at all costs. In the beginning, it didn't matter to me that I was absolutely miserable while taking the classes. I'd get that degree and be worth something! I'd be valuable as a human being, and that was all I wanted and all that mattered.

But then somewhere along the line, I began to realize that a degree or a profession is a twisted, unhealthy measuring stick for your self-worth. Being able to put two letters after my name wasn't going to automatically change who I was and make me this person who was now ten times more worthy of, I don't know, anything and everything. I can still be worth something even without that degree.

Despite this revelation, I briefly considered trying to finish anyway, but then I remembered that this was the year that I'm supposed to be doing things that scare me, and this definitely qualifies. I have strayed so far off of the path I mapped out after high school graduation. Six years ago, I thought I'd have a bachelor's degree with a teaching job by now, and instead...I don't have a degree OR a career. And I'm 24. That terrifies me. Some days I wonder if I'm making a huge mistake here, but...I don't think I am. I'm doing what I know in my heart is the best for me. And I've spent so much of my life doing the exact opposite of what's best for me, so I think it's important to do what's right, right now, even if it leaves me so unsure of my future and what it has in store for me. Sometimes life involves taking chances and risks and trusting your gut, and that's exactly what I'm doing. And in the end, I think I'll be just fine.