October is Depression Awareness Month, and so I thought I’d write up a post on the topic in honor of it. It’s something that has profoundly affected my life, and though I don’t generally volunteer that information, I’m usually not ashamed to admit that it’s something I deal with on a daily basis. These past few months in particular have kind of knocked me to my knees, and I am not proud to say that I haven't always fought to stand back up again. But I think this is something important that needs to be talked about, so...here goes.

Depression. That’s such a heavy word for me. It represents so much, and triggers a plethora of memories and experiences - ones I typically do my best to just tuck away in the back of my brain while I try to live my life as normally as possible. Normal is relative when you have depression, though. Sometimes normal means functioning appropriately in every facet of your life. And sometimes normal means wake up, go to work or maybe not, come home and sleep, no energy or will to do anything beyond the absolute bare minimum. So it all depends on the season of life you’re in. I’d say my current state is somewhere in the middle of those two, perhaps precariously leaning more toward the latter. 

So, in an effort to try to ask for help when I know I need it, I’ve recently opened up to a couple of friends about my depression. They’ve been so supportive and kind and genuinely want to understand what I’m going through, but neither of them have experienced depression like this, so no matter how hard they try, they’ll never fully understand. And that’s great! Because I wouldn't want anyone to fully understand this. Because to fully understand means that at some point, this was your personal hell, too. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I want to help them, and anyone else who is curious, understand, and this is the best way I know how to do that.

Depression is laying on your bedroom floor for hours, crying until your carpet is so soaked with tears that your face is still wet long after your eyes have dried up.

Depression is driving around your city from 8pm to 3am without stopping because you're afraid of what you might do to yourself if you go home.

Depression is wearing the same shirt for 3 days straight because you don't have the energy to put on a clean one.

Depression is hair that hasn't been brushed in over a week because just throwing it up in a bun or under a hat is "good enough."

Depression is scrolling through your phone contacts over and over again, trying to find someone you think you could maybe "bother," but finding no one because you think as long as you aren't feeling suicidal, then how you're feeling isn't worth mentioning to anyone.

Depression is calling in to work because it's 7:45 and you have to be at work at 8, but you know it'll take you until at least 10 to muster up enough energy just to get out of bed.

Depression is buying new socks because the thought of doing laundry is too overwhelming.

Depression is taking all day to decide what to eat, but by the time you finally figure it out, it's 9:30pm and so you decide to just skip eating all together for the day.

Depression is washing your hair in the kitchen sink because taking a shower requires more energy than you'll probably have all day.

Depression is taking 10 minutes to read one page of a book because you can't concentrate and end up having to read sentences and paragraphs multiple times in order to remember what you just read.

Depression is crossing a street without bothering to watch for cars because you don't think you'd really mind if one hit you anyway.

Depression is drowning, but being able to see everyone else around you breathing.

Depression is being pinned to the ground by an invisible 10,000 pound elephant.

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.

Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer.

Depression is like a bruise that never goes away - a bruise in your mind. You just have to be careful not to touch it where it hurts. But it’s always there.

And now I’ll tell you what depression isn’t. It’s not glamorous, it’s not romantic. It’s not just “feeling blue.” And it’s certainly not a joke, no matter how anyone tries to pass it off. It’s dangerous, it’s a hideous, isolating, lying monster, and it’s deadly. Even when you think it’s gone, it’s still there. Dormant. Just lurking. Waiting for another chance to sink its razor sharp claws into your skin. If you’re not constantly on the defensive, it’s easy for depression to sneak back into your life unnoticed, until it has you in a death grip and then all of a sudden there you are, in another epic and brutal battle for your life. And the cycle continues.

But there are also moments, however fleeting, where you feel genuine joy, and the laughs aren't forced. There are days when the world is filled with vibrant color and warmth instead of cold shades of gray, and where there is sunshine instead of stormy skies. And those are the days you cling to for dear life, take pictures of, write about - so that when you need hard, physical evidence that those days weren't just figments of your imagination, you have them. Weapons in your arsenal used to fight this ugly beast. 

Depression is like a war. You either win, or you die trying.

Whoa, how is it already 2017? It was just 2016 like, yesterday, and still 2015 about a week ago, so... Don't get me wrong, I am beyond glad to see both of those years in the rearview mirror, but time seems to be flying, and I desperately need life to slow down at the moment.

I'll be completely honest, I don't currently knowing what the hell is happening in my life right now. It feels like one big clusterfuck of a hot mess. I feel like I'm standing still while the world spins at warped speed around me and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Every time I try to get back on the same page as everyone else, I end up falling flat on my ass. It's incredibly annoying and frustrating and a million other things I can't quite put my finger on.

Right around this time every year is when I begin to feel either one of two things: I either feel like things might be looking up, or I feel like my life has gone to hell in a hand basket. It's mostly because I have always thought of new years as a "fresh start" and it always seems to feel like life has new possibilities, that I can wash my hands of all the crap I dealt with the year before and start anew. But of course, of course, that's not how life works. How naive would I have to be to believe that anything would change between December 31st and January 1st? So I know things won't automatically be better, that my life in January is still the same life I had in December. I know this, but it never seems to matter. Subconsciously, I seem to have this unrealistic expectation for new years and then when we're solidly into it, I realize that shit isn't any better, sometimes even worse, and then I feel like a failure. So when I said that I either feel one of two things, I really meant that I always feel the latter, the one about life going to hell. Sooo yep. That's cool.

So that's where I'm at. I feel stuck and anxious about where my life is going. I feel like I should be so much farther in life than I am, and it makes me feel inferior to just about everyone. I almost feel like I have no right to exist in some of my friends' lives solely based on the jobs they have compared to the one I have. I'm aware that's a bit fucked up, but I swore to myself I would be truthful on this blog, and that's the honest truth. 

And I am so fucking tired about talking about depression on this blog, but it always seems to be relevant in my life whenever I write on here, so here's its obligatory mention. I almost can't believe that I knew a time - and a time recently, for that matter - where depression was not A Thing. Because it's definitely A Thing now. It's back with a vengeance and truthfully, it's making me nervous. It is manifesting in ways it hasn't for over a year and I know I have to be careful where I tread if I don't want to end up walking in deep, almost unmanageable waters. But I am pulling my waders out of the closet, just in case. 

However, I don't want this entire blog to be completely negative, so I will say there has been one enormously bright spot this year so far, and that was when I went to New York City in January! Finally! Something I've been wanting to do for over a decade. And yes, it was every bit as amazing as I had imagined it would be, and more. It was six days of genuine, pure happiness. I have always felt like a piece of me was missing and that I'd find it in that city, and I did. It felt more like home than my hometown ever has, and I can't wait to go back next month. It's truly the only thing keeping me from self-destruct mode. 

I don't know where my life will take me. It feels like one massive unknown at the moment, which naturally makes me uncomfortable to the nth degree, but... *shrugs* I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore. Stay tuned.