New years don't typically carry much clout with me. I never thought that midnight had the potential to be as magical for me as it was for Cinderella, and so January 1st, 2016 really might as well have been December 32nd, 2015. No difference.

But then, much to my disappointment, shit hit the fan just days into the new year, and I found myself thinking that 2016 was starting to look an awful lot like 2015. Spoiler alert: I really don't want a repeat of last year. That's when I began to realize that even though I didn't think I viewed 2016 as a potential for change and opportunity, I subconsciously kinda sorta did. Well then.

2015 was an anxious year of firsts for me. I started it by beginning nursing school in January - and not just the pre-reqs, but the classes where I'm actually responsible for real patients (!!!). In June I told someone for the very first time an important secret I'd kept to myself for the last decade. In September, I joined a CrossFit box despite not having an athletic bone in my body.

But 2015 was also really scary for me due to all those firsts. What if I'm not smart enough to be a nurse? There's a difference between being smart and being nursing smart - what if I was incapable of bridging the gap between the two? And then, assuming I did somehow find the ability to adequately learn the nursing theory, would I be competent enough to take care of my patients like they deserved to be taken care of? What if I missed something vital on one of my patients that had dire consequences?

As far as exposing my secret goes, I think that was the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. Thankfully, I got some very good, reassuring reactions to it before I got some heartbreakingly negative ones, but it's still a secret to some very important people in my life, so that's stressful. And where CrossFit is concerned...I think 'holy shit' sums it up nicely. I love it, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't quit it for anything, but hot damn. Could I have picked anything more difficult? I would argue no.

And for the big elephant in the room - it's no secret that I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager, but for the last couple of years it's been a particularly horrible bitch. It has unfortunately required a few hospitalizations that I'm not at all proud of, but it is part of my past, and this thing is part of who I am for now, so I guess all I can say about that is, it is what it is.

When things started to spiral downward just days into the new year, it was kind of like a slap in the face. If I didn't want a duplicate of 2015, I realized I was going to have to do things differently. I couldn't just continue in my old habits and expect a different outcome. That would just be stupid. And in the interest of not being stupid, that means...time for a change.

I'm tired of being held hostage by the "what ifs" that cloud my head. I'm going to try my best to realize that yes, there are still so many things I don't know when it comes to nursing, but it's time to be brave and go out there and help my patients to the best of my ability. I've learned the basic things I need to know for my next two clinicals, and I won't be alone, so I CAN do this. I need to dig deep and find the courage to be brave enough to tell my family the truth about me, so I can start to live authentically. When I see a WOD that intimidates me, or walk into my gym and see all of the super fit, amazing athletes getting ready for class or already working out, I need to be brave enough to do the WOD anyway, or work out alongside them anyway, even if I feel like I don't belong there. Because I will never become fitter or improve my skills if I don't try. And as far as the beast of depression goes...I know I'm going to have to be brave enough to reach out to my friends and family when I feel like I'm drowning with the surface nowhere in sight. That's going to be really hard and painful for me, but it will be necessary.

It's going to be difficult and overwhelming, and I'm sure it's going to just downright suck at times, and I know I won't be able to do it completely by myself. But it's time for a real, honest change. I'm hoping to use this blog to document my successes (and inevitable failures because hello, CrossFit) while I'm trying to be a braver Becca. I don't know quite what that's going to look like just yet, but I figure this is a good starting point. So here's to my year of being brave.