I've been kind of quiet on here lately. Within the last few months, I've started several posts, but never quite managed to finish them. Or I'd finish them, but then be so unhappy with how they turned out - and couldn't figure out how to fix them - that I just gave up. But I suppose it doesn't really matter, because I haven't really been living up to the name of this blog lately...

Life is still good, most days. Or some days... It's hard to admit that after having several months in a row without the thick cloud of depression following me relentlessly - something that hasn't happened since I was 12 - that it has started popping back up every once in a while, especially within the last few weeks or so.

Some days I wake up, and there are so many things I have planned to do - go to the gym, go to work, take a walk by the lake, meet up with a friend...and then I just can't do it. I genuinely want to, but I don't physically have the energy for any of it. On the couple truly horrible days I've had, even just laying in bed seemed like it required too much energy. That doesn't even make sense, but that's how it felt. Like simply being awake was too difficult a task for me. I'm thankful that those days, which used to be my daily reality, are so very few and far between now.

But I am trying not to let it get the best of me. The old Becca would have surrendered to depression at the smallest inkling of its presence, but I'm not doing that this time. On the days that the cloud is blocking the sun, I still get up. I may cancel some plans (I am so sorry), or take longer to get on with my day, but I don't let it paralyze me anymore. Even if I just only get out of bed - and I have, every single day - then I am still doing better than I ever was.

So to those of you who tell me I need to get to the gym, or we still need to hang out, or I need to do this or that, I know. Believe me, I know. And I will. I'm getting there. But just know that if I don't do those things, it's because I'm having to refocus the energy I would have spent on that particular activity and direct it toward the basics - waking up, actually getting out of bed, sometimes even just breathing.

I am hopeful that this will pass. It doesn't feel permanent anymore like it did for all those years. Maybe I will even head to the lake for a walk tonight, even if it's a short one. Progress is progress, no matter how small. So...guess I better go find my shoes.